Sometimes, you need to write that final page to close the book. And most times that only serves to open something new: a wound, a round of back and forth nonsense, or a leveling up of pain and anger. Nothing is finalized. Nothing is resolved and you’ve done more damage to yourself than necessary by wanting that closure. But here we are.
And along those lines, someone smarter than me said to go ahead and type out that letter, email, text or smoke signal. Get it all out. Cry over it. Pound your fists over it. Tell that person exactly how you feel. Then delete it. Burn it. And never revisit it. And that’s probably the smart thing to do. But we’re human. And that means we’re not always smart. And we don’t always think with our brains. Logic often eludes us. We are emotional. We are messy. We are very emotional. And so we put ourselves out there. We show our human side. Our vulnerability. Rarely does it mend a relationship or sway a situation we hope to change. But again, here we are.
But maybe showing that we are human will do a little good. Maybe laying our hearts out will do something that months of silence and suffering haven’t accomplished. Maybe now, with a little more focus and perspective, these feelings can be addressed with the honestly and knowledge that while the relationship cannot be, that last page can be written and we can move on. Vision’s clearer now. Growth happened. And good will come out of what was terrible heartache. Oh, I know I’m totally wrong; this will be a shitastrophy of never-before-seen proportions. But you know…maybe.
So I was in love. It was incredible. It was everything I wanted. I thought ‘finally, this is what I’ve been looking for.’ And my heart was at rest. My mind no longer working overtime. Peace had settled in my bones right down to the marrow. And it ended. And as oftentimes happens at the end of any “-ship”, you start to look back and notice the cracks and flaws that you were oblivious to or were willing to overlook while the “-ship” was in full bloom.
So now I’m in the retrospection phase of healing. And I want some closure. I want my POV heard by my former SO. But I’ve got a big ego and I am one of those people who don’t make late-night, drunken texts. I am one of those people who do late-night, drunken mind fuck sessions in my bed with a box of tissues. I keep it inside where it swirls and collides into itself and becomes obsession. And then I write it down:
Date: Present Time
RE: My Broken Heart
You know, you had your ‘funny how things change…’ text and I was ok with that being the last word. Until now. Now I have to let it out. I’ve screwed myself out of too many sleepless nights. I’ve cried to friends and relatives. I’ve reasoned and pondered and, yeah, wished for you to send me a text or show up at my front door. I wanted that reconciliation for so long. Because you were the last man I ever wanted to kiss me. Even today, with what I’ve come to accept about the relationship, I still miss you. And in those rare moments when I’m totally honest with myself, I do want you back. But that’s my heart talking.
And then you sent the text…it hinted at some kind of feeling but mostly of your need for me. It played the melody my heart longs to hear; you are needed. Like a fool, I committed myself to your service. I pondered and wished and cried some more. It was going to bring us back together. Surely you’d see just how awesome and worthy I am. Surely, I am now of some kind of use to you. I played out our reunion in my mind. It was a mix of past memories and conversations I invented. I could hear your voice saying words I wanted to very much hear.
Then reality raised its logical head. My brain intervenes with a litany of evidence pushing the case to block you totally out of my life. And these days, more often than not, the heart throws its hands up in defeat. The brain’s case is too strong. Heart knows it’s lost. This wasn’t you coming to your senses. This was you being your selfish self. And it was then that I realized; you used me. Bottom line. And you had been using me from the very beginning. For empathy, support and ultimately trying to sway me to do something that would have jeopardized my job…all for your own self-serving purposes. You are only capable of thinking about yourself. Your needs, what’s convenient for you. That’s all that mattered. And I wasn’t the only one. I began to look back and see how you used everyone else. Lovers. Friends. Colleagues. Everyone. As if the universe was set in motion just for you.
I think once you saw her boyfriend had cheated on her, you thought you had an opportunity to date her. And so you were ready to push me out. You thought you were going to level up with a better woman. But what you don’t realize is that you felt good about yourself because of how I treated you. I saw you as amazing. I adored you. I loved you and wanted to make you happy. And that went to your head. You assumed that every woman would see in you what I did. But she didn’t; did she? And you are too self-centered to realize that you aren’t the knight in shining armor to her as you were to me.
So when you’re sitting alone wondering why no one will date you, remember that you had someone who adored you and only wanted to make you happy and you threw it away. And that holds true for more than just me. I don’t know who you think you are or who you think is out there just waiting for you, but I have news for you: until you quit being a selfish prick; you won’t find her. You had some pretty amazing people in your life and you threw them all away.
Did you break my heart? You sure did. I still miss you every day. If that gives you some kind of satisfaction, you’re welcome. But I came away with some hard lessons that I will never forget. I’m better and smarter and even more capable of loving someone more fully and deeply than I loved you. And when that person walks into my life, they will thank you for pushing me away. They will thank you from the bottom of their heart that you deemed me unworthy. And you know what? I will too.
Oh and for the love of God…its want, not what. As in you are the last person I WANT to hear from.