It’s official; I just can’t relax. Believe me; I try and I hate myself for always failing miserably. So its inevitable that I will always be thinking about something…work, family, writing, anything that will only serve to drive me crazy.
I’ve tried to drink my way to relaxation. It worked marginally and usually ended up giving me more to stress out about. I’ve tried exercise but like all things that are actually good for me, I quickly lost interest. It’s a lost cause. I worry, fret and obsess about everything. Whether or not it’s something I can control or even care about, I’m all over it. Pondering, pontificating, and plaguing myself from any chance of taking a deep breath and forgetting it all for a while.
I just spent three wonderful days with the man of my dreams in a quaint little down in a darling little bed and breakfast. We did what we wanted and when we wanted and we didn’t call in to check messages. Okay, okay, I snuck away to the bathroom and check my email on my tablet. It was three wonderful days of relaxing and enjoying the company of someone I absolutely adore. On the outside. Inside, my mind was whirling, whirling to the point of lying awake for a good three hours one night just thinking about the most off the wall stupid shit. Just anything to keep me awake and stressed. I’ll say it again, I hate myself.
And I’ve got no one to blame but myself. Nothing bad happens (knock on wood) and when I get home, I see that there’s nothing I needed to worry about. Walls are still intact, off spring are not incarcerated or sold into indentured servitude. My hometown is still here and apparently, everyone has gotten along moderately well without my interference. But yet, in the middle of the night when I’m watching Jon Stewart and Colbert fretting over what’s going on back at my job, my house, what’s with my family and what the hell happened to my daughter’s soccer shoes, I remain unconvinced of the universe’s ability to go on without me.
And it’s not that I put that much importance on myself. Hell, I know I’m just a little spot on the big canvas of life. It’s more of a ‘oh shit now what’ kind of knee jerk reaction. I go around looking for crap to worry about and I guess if you do that enough, sooner or later you’ll find it.
So now I’m home and I’ve got some wine chilling and I’m going to finish this blog and maybe sit out on patio. Being home, sitting on the patio and listening to the rush of the waterfall just might do the trick. Knowing that just about everything is right with my universe even if I took a three day hiatus might get me one step closer to truly relaxing. And if that doesn’t do it, maybe an entire bottle of wine will.
So good night dear reader and for Christ’s sake, try and relax!