So I spent the day at a public pool. No, not that public pool. Another one. And I had a good time. For the most part. On my way out of the bathhouse I saw the obligatory rules of the pool. Don’t drown. Don’t pee in the pool, yadda, yadda, yadda. But during the course of the day I found a few other rules, beyond the no diving one, that I think need adhered to just as diligently, if not more so, than the standard fare you see on a board propped up on the wall near the entrance. So, here I am, all about the helping out and I offer these additional pool rules:
- If your belly button ring makes your stomach pucker, take it out. You’re too freakin fat for that thing now. Get over it, and maybe get a one piece swimsuit. I can’t believe the amount of people out there with the damn things. And a mere fraction of them actually have the body to wear one. I wonder if when they first got it, they had a great belly but now, after a few kids, a failed marriage and too many keg stands, they’ve sorta let themselves go. So if that’s the case, let go of the damn belly ring. End of story.
- Don’t wear flesh toned bathing suits in the water. You distract me. I’m supposed to be watching the kids in the pool, one of the few times I’m given any great responsibility and there you are, looking all naked. That’s just being a tease.
- Unless you are in high school, don’t wrap yourself around your boyfriend. You look like you’re too dumb to swim. And like the rule above, you’re distracting me. Instead of pulling my nephew out of the pool, I’m looking to see what the hell you two are doing under the waves.
- Check yourself in the mirror before you leave the changing area. Then check again. There are a lot of people, an awful lot, out there who could be wearing less. By the same token, there are a lot of people who need to be wearing a hell of a lot more than what they are parading out in. Show some common courtesy to the rest of us and cover yourself. No one wants to see that.
- Along those same lines, wear a bathing suit. People in the water wearing their clothes are just weird. I don’t wear my bathing suit to the mall; don’t wear clothes in the pool. Simple as that.
- Don’t think that I want or need to hear your conversation. Don’t go screaming in the pool for everyone to hear. I don’t give a good goddamn if you’re looking for your son, daughter or errant husband. Be quiet. I’m trying to relax here and that’s no easy task.
- Stop trying to get a deep dark tan. You’re going to look like leather by the time your 40. Hitting your skin with the zero SPF isn’t doing yourself any favors. And me sitting beside you while you’re focusing all the sun’s rays your direction is just pissing me off.
- If you don’t shave, wax or otherwise remove unwanted hair from your body, for the love of God, don’t go in the water. The absolute last thing I want to be thinking about is whether or not some disgusting leg, underarm or otherwise hair is getting near me.
- And gentlemen, if you’re a hairy ape, can you please put a shirt on it. I am not object to some chest hair, believe me, but Jesus Christ, if you look like you’re wearing a pelt, cover it up.
- Keep your kids away from me. I’ve got enough trouble trying to keep track of the ones I’m supposed to.
- Don’t expect to stay dry in the water. Don’t give the ten year old who just splashed you dirty looks. Water is wet, it’s a simple fact. So get used to it. Or get out. Either way.
I’m sure there’s more, but that’s the short list. Follow these simple rules and I promise my next blog won’t be about you.