Random Utterings II

Son #1: (to the Shit-zuh) Get off me. I don’t want to smell like dog.

Me: She doesn’t smell, she’s a clean dog.

Son #1: I’m going out. I don’t want to smell like dog in front of girls.

Daughter: Alriiiight Princess


Dad: (to Son #2) Are you getting a summer job?

Son #2: No, I think I’ve got some things to do this summer.

Dad: The entire summer???

Son #2: Yeah, I think Aunt *** wanted me to do a few things. Plus I’m going to cut your grass.

Dad: You’re cutting my grass, Son? Sorta like you did last year?

Son #2: Yep.

Dad: So, let me get this straight. You want me to pay you, in advance, to cut the grass. Then you want me to nag you for a month to do it ALL THE WHILE cutting my own grass.

Son #2: So you remember how that worked?

Dad: Wait, I’m not done. And then when you finally do cut my grass, you do such a shitty job that I have to re-cut the grass?

Son #2: That’s the plan.

Dad: And to think I felt used.


Son #2: I hate women.

Me: Why?

Son #2: Because they’re too much like you!

Me: Enough said.


Son #1: I want to find a nice girl. I’m sick of slutty girls.

Me: Well, you need to go looking for nice girls and quit hanging around with skanky girls.

Son #1: Why would you call my friends skanky? That’s rude!

Me: Where the hell’s the wine!


Husband: You reading a smutty novel?

Me: You know it.

Husband: Had a few glasses of wine?

Me: I did.

Husband: See ya upstairs?

Me: You know it!

Husband: My wife’s the best!


Me: And she’s made soap out of goat’s milk?

Husband: Where did she get goat’s milk?

Daughter: Duh, from a goat!


Me: Wow, your grades are terrific!

Daughter: Ya, ya, I know. I’m a genius. Wadda I get?


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