Son #1: (to the Shit-zuh) Get off me. I don’t want to smell like dog.
Me: She doesn’t smell, she’s a clean dog.
Son #1: I’m going out. I don’t want to smell like dog in front of girls.
Daughter: Alriiiight Princess
Dad: (to Son #2) Are you getting a summer job?
Son #2: No, I think I’ve got some things to do this summer.
Dad: The entire summer???
Son #2: Yeah, I think Aunt *** wanted me to do a few things. Plus I’m going to cut your grass.
Dad: You’re cutting my grass, Son? Sorta like you did last year?
Son #2: Yep.
Dad: So, let me get this straight. You want me to pay you, in advance, to cut the grass. Then you want me to nag you for a month to do it ALL THE WHILE cutting my own grass.
Son #2: So you remember how that worked?
Dad: Wait, I’m not done. And then when you finally do cut my grass, you do such a shitty job that I have to re-cut the grass?
Son #2: That’s the plan.
Dad: And to think I felt used.
Son #2: I hate women.
Son #2: Because they’re too much like you!
Me: Enough said.
Son #1: I want to find a nice girl. I’m sick of slutty girls.
Me: Well, you need to go looking for nice girls and quit hanging around with skanky girls.
Son #1: Why would you call my friends skanky? That’s rude!
Me: Where the hell’s the wine!
Husband: You reading a smutty novel?
Me: You know it.
Husband: Had a few glasses of wine?
Me: I did.
Husband: See ya upstairs?
Me: You know it!
Husband: My wife’s the best!
Me: And she’s made soap out of goat’s milk?
Husband: Where did she get goat’s milk?
Daughter: Duh, from a goat!
Me: Wow, your grades are terrific!
Daughter: Ya, ya, I know. I’m a genius. Wadda I get?