A lot of you probably recall (mostly because I’ve whined about it incessantly) that I have been sick. Very, very sick. So sick I was considering a trip to the hospital. Well, I’m starting to feel better, after nearly a freakin’ month, and so it is with this experience nearly passed I come to you with a few things I learned while I was sick.
- Being sick sucks. You’re not allowed to do stuff and if you do stuff, you’re yelled at for doing it. I found this out when I wanted to go to a festival and my husband said I was too sick. I was also too sick to go shopping, visit little kids, my dad in the hospital and drink. So like I said, being sick sucks.
- I was NOT however too sick to clean, do laundry and cook. I was well enough to hack and snort into food and spread my germs as I vacuumed. And if I threw in some color-safe bleach I did not contaminate the laundry. Freakin’ double standard.
- I was also healthy enough for sex. It didn’t matter that I didn’t necessarily want to have sex. I was deemed well enough and therefore…well you can imagine the rest. Maybe being sick is a turn on. I can’t wait till he’s sick to find out. (Insert evil laugh here.)
- When you’re sick, even the easiest of chores is hard. I found it difficult to get up the steps, opting to sleep on the couch some nights with the window open. I didn’t give a rat’s ass if some home invader decided to slip through the window. Like a Komodo dragon, one bite from me would have poison searing through his veins. He would have been dead within the hour. Unlike a Komodo dragon, I would not have eaten him. I was infected with a virus, but not a Zombie virus.
- Nothing is funny when you’re sick and if it is, it sends you into a coughing fit in which you either (a) start sneezing; (b) give yourself a headache; (c) piss yourself; or (d) all of the above. Go ahead, laugh. It’s gonna happen to you!
- People only want to hear about you being sick for so long. You’ve got a statute of limitations on the pity you’re gonna get because you’re sick. I was really, really sick so I think I got an extension to the time people actually gave a shit and that amounted to about 3 weeks. Fortunately, I was back on the mend by that time. Add to that I was so totally sick of being sick myself that if one more person would have commented on my imminent-death, I would have killed them. The effort would have killed me; but I would have done it gladly.
- Home shopping is more appealing when you’re sick. I lay in bed, QVC on, tablet in hand and ordered till the NyQuil kicked in. I ordered clothes, makeup, accessories, linens…everything was so appealing. I spent two whole days and a couple hundred bucks in bed. Last time that happened, I ended up pregnant.
- My great love for reading was somewhat dampened while I was sick. Oh sure, I read books, probably three, but the zest wasn’t there. I had no enthusiasm for the written word and that made me very sad. Of course, being sick made me very, very sad so in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t that bad.
- No one is going to pick up the slack for you when you’re sick. No one is going to cook or clean or do the laundry while you lie in bed hacking with a temp of 102. Okay, maybe they’ll drag a basket of laundry to the washer, but you’re gonna have to put those suckers in. I swear to God my family adheres to the ‘what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger’ doctrine. I was getting it in double doses!
- And finally, eventually you get better. There were times it felt like a long shot. I thought maybe I’d be sick forever or at least until I dropped over dead. But I healed, finally, and while I’m not 100%, I feel a hell of a lot better than I did this time last week. I’m not adding to the ‘Things you need to know if I die” list and I’m going to decorate for fall. All that adds up to me living through this ordeal.
So there you have it. I pride myself on learning from every experience and whether you want it or not, sharing it with you. Hope you glean as much knowledge out of my experience as I have. Stay healthy my friends!