Admitting you have a problem is the first step…

My name is Denise and I am an addict. I’ve been using for several years now. I get such a rush from using that I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I am addicted to…

…Vicks scented tissues.

Vicks scented tissues, or as I call them, two-ply heaven in a box, are extremely hard to find. Thus when I do find those lusciously scented little devils, I buy several boxes at a time; squirreling away those precious squares of menthol goodness where no one can find them.

As I type this, I’ve got a half-used tissue lying in front of me. The scent is faint now; but I’m determined to get every last molecule of menthol out of it. The way it floods my nasal passages give me a high as exquisite as any other. I float with a clear head and a quieted cough. I’m soft and warm; all from one 10 x 10 square of tissue.

I find that the scent of these tissues goes beyond unclogging nasal passages. They soothe me. I sleep with one, just one though, next to my cute pixie nose every night that I am lucky enough to have these little gems on hand. I cannot go to sleep without them and once I run out of my stash, I fall into the inevitable cycle of insomnia and sleep deprivation. It’s herion chic and asthmatic combined and it’s very, very ugly.

When I’m giddy on the Vicks ‘nex, I may slip and sneak them into my office where my co-workers and I may imbibe in a quick inhale during particularly stressful days. In that, I am a pusher. But I take some solace in the fact that I don’t deal the tissues out. I give them freely, hoping that my steady supply of soft menthol joy will keep my friends from the harder stuff: Vapo-Rub, liniment, and spearmint.

Last week at WalMart, my darling husband texted me from the tissue isle: “Babe, they’ve got Vicks tissues!” I immediately dropped the four pack of Activia yogurt and ran to the isle, scooping up three boxes before you can say ‘clean-up on aisle 7’. I’ll take scentilation over digestional regularity any day. Blah, blah regularis my ass! Give me my smelly!

I fully expect an intervention at any time. And as God is my witness, I will not go down easy. I will fight sobriety with every fiber in my body! Legalize Vicks scented tissues! Legalize Vicks scented tissues…oh wait, what? Oh, they are legal. Good night!


One response to “Admitting you have a problem is the first step…

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