The Despicable Pumpkin Heist

As a general rule, I do not like people. Oh, I have a few favorites, and you know who you are, but for the most part, I’d rather do without a lot of contact. Sometimes people surprise me with the generosity and I think that I am even more appreciative of ‘good deeds’ because the last thing I expect another person to do is something nice for someone else while expecting absolutely nothing in return.

Those times are few and far between.

Today is an example where I’d like to remove myself from the human population. It wasn’t a case of murder or abuse or another horrid crime. No babies/puppies/kittens or other furry soft creatures were maimed. There was no bloodshed, vandalism, racial bashing, ethnic cleansing or other type of atrocity. It was something that happens this time of year to thousands upon thousands of people. To most, it’s a right of passage, a tradition or something to look back on as one of those things they did when they were ornery scamps. To me, it just pisses me the hell off.

Someone stole our pumpkins!

And not just any pumpkins, but my daughter’s pumpkins! And her prizewinners to boot! These jackasses, and there had to be more than one because they were hefty pumpkins, took, in total daylight, pumpkins that were sitting in my front yard, obviously decorating my mailbox post, and did who the hell knows what to them.

This is unacceptable.

I do not go into your yard, which is probably littered with trash, old car tires and used syringes, and steal your pumpkins, which are probably mine in the first place! I don’t bother you but yet you find it okay to bother me? I don’t see you’re logic, but then again, I’m not a goddamn criminal.

You are a colossal douche bag. You took something that someone paid money for, carted around and then placed in a specific spot in their yard as a decoration. It was something that we enjoyed looking at everyday. Most of all, it was mine.

I’ll never find out who stole our pumpkins and I don’t really think that the people responsible are the type who would read my blog and feel bad for their actions. Even if they could read, I don’t think they spend their time online actually reading. No, I suspect whatever they do online entails one hand on the mouse, one hand on themselves and a box of tissues. But hey, we all use technology to suit our own needs and that sounds like a whole other blog post.

So you idiots who stole my pumpkins, the ones with the letters on them and plastic dog face push-in’s, I hope you choke on them. And if I see them in your yard, I will step over the trash, tires and needles and knock on your door.

Go f**k yourselves.


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