When Good Amish Go Bad

Blogger’s Note: This is so not PC. I’m just warning you.

My BFF (Team Meatball!) called me Friday afternoon and directed my short-attention span to an article in the local paper. It seems that a new evil has entered the circulation span of the paper. Yes, I’m talking about the dreaded Amish-on-Amish hate crime.

Don’t start packing your bonnet and loading the wagon just yet. Chances are if you’re reading this blog, online, with a devil computer, you’re safe. You’re not Amish. So far, they’ve only been attacking their own. They haven’t reached out to the English yet with their heinous crime.

What is this crime, you say? Barn burning, livestock thieving, sewing zippers into their enemies’ trousers? No, no and oh my God no. They are cutting each other’s beards. I nearly swoon with the brutality.

Let me interject here that I believe that my BFF, hell, a lot of my BFF’s, simply tell me things to wind me up and watch me go. It’s like poking the tiger at the zoo. It’s when I actually break out of the cage and blog about it that they realize that maybe they shouldn’t have teased. They’re bad. My happy.

But the article became an obsession to me. I devoured it and yet I hungered for more. Why were they cutting each other’s beards? Was it clan-based? Was Isaac’s tribe pissed at Jacob’s and they raided the community, slashing beards along the way? And if that’s the case, just how fast can you make a get-away in a horse and buggy? They seem a little cumbersome to me.

My impression of the Amish has always been of strong men, molded from hard work in the fields and farms. Just how many Amish does it take to cut the beard of another? Did they work in teams? Did they use ropes? Chloroform? Or did they use a point and shoot digital camera to temporarily stun their victim? While Enoch is busy looking for his soul, Benjamin and the others went crazy with a pair of shears?

And why stop at beards? Why not take a few horses or chickens? Why not steal away a few child brides or the colony’s best baker? Maybe install electricity in a few of the houses just to add insult to injury!

Surprisingly, the FBI has become involved in the crimes. The FBI. Like they’ve nothing else to do with their time. And there was a spokesperson, I presume from the Amish Crime Unit (ACU), which I also imagine has black windbreakers with a picture of a horse and buggy with a line crossed through it on the breast and FBI-ACU emblazoned on the back. The spokesperson didn’t offer much and I figure it was due in part to the fact that (a) the Amish are pretty tight-lipped (b) she never bothered to talk to the Amish and (c) she pulled the short end of the straw at her regional office and everyone now makes fun of her ‘promotion’. Regardless, the case remains open. Go figure.

I’d like to say that I’m appalled at what the world is coming to when the peace-loving Amish are turning on their own. I’d like to wail that it’s an ungood sign of the of times when men tear the treasured beard from their fellow man. Hell, I’d even been happy to work up a shred of empathy for either the beard losers or the beard takers at this point. But I can’t. All I can do is sit back and wait for Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to ride out of the smoke. I’m kinda excited about that…wonder if the FBI will investigate…



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