Why I’m not a QVC Host

I am a hopeless QVC addict and let me tell you it has served me well these many years. I’ve gotten more unique gifts, high-end purses and jewelry and terrific treats than I’d ever find locally. I love QVC and I love it even more, if that’s possible, during the holidays. It revs me up for that busy time of the year like nothing else. Well, okay, maybe Santa Train makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, but I’m sure I’m thinking of QVC when I’m bumping down the rails.

I love the hosts too. They can describe things so well. They are so kind and friendly. They love speaking with their viewers and are sincerely (so far as I can tell) touched when a viewer pays them a compliment. And they look like they’re having fun.

And who wouldn’t? They’re wearing beautiful clothes, shoes and jewelry, playing in makeup and eating scrumptious desserts! Good God, what more could you ask for. Add in making some pretty nice coin and you’ve got the ideal career. So why wouldn’t I imagine myself as a QVC host?

I picture a show with me and Joan Rivers and Dennis Basso and we’re yucking it up. I certainly wouldn’t reign in Joan. In fact, I think I’d probably wind her up a little bit. Maybe get her to do a little of her Fashion Police dialogue right there on the set. Dennis would appreciate the snarky remarks. He looks like a fun guy. I would assume after the second bleep, we’d be temporarily off the air. A few moments later we’d be replaced with one of the very sweet docile hosts who’d be pushing the Go-Bible for three easy payments and maybe free shipping just to sweeten the deal.

That would be only if a caller had not called in before we’ve had to censure either my or Joan’s mouth. I think the hardest part of the whole gig is putting up with the callers. I don’t know how the hosts do it. I imagine that there’s some sort of loose screening done by the operators before putting these clowns on live TV, but honestly, there’s a few too many slipping through the safety nets. Maybe the callers freeze up because they’re talking to honest to God celebrities. Either way, there’s a lot of hmmm and haaaww on the air and it drives me crazy. I will often flip through the channels when they’re talking to viewers. I hate it that much.

And the hosts love these goofballs anyway. That is devotion to the job. Love of the consumer. Genuine compassion for the general public. The exact reasons I’d make a lousy host. After one or two of these ding dongs calling and cooing and asking stupid questions and I’d be cutting them down without a second thought. QVC’s sales would plummet and I’d be tossed off the set like yesterday’s today’s special value.

My general dislike of people would show through like a glaring LED emergency light that holds a charge and will quite possible save your life in an emergency situation. My sarcasm would hang in the air like the aroma of a flameless candle complete with timer and color changing flame. My cynicism would leave a taste in your mouth like the yummy prime rib that you can have auto-delivered to your home every 60 days. In a word, I’d ruin that network.

So I guess I’ll continue being an enthusiastic consumer and leave the hosting to the professionals. It seems to be working perfectly so far!


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