Why I Shop Online…and Hate the Mall

Today I went against my own rules. I went to the mall on a weekend and on a weekend during the holidays. What the hell was I thinking? But I went with my aunt, whom I love, and since shopping together online isn’t really her thing, and it’s hard to eat lunch in a restaurant when you’re sitting in front of your computer, I took a deep breath, took off my jammies and headed to the mall.

What the hell was I thinking?

Surely I wasn’t because going to the mall just plain sucks. I’d rather go to the dentist or watch DWTS or even go without caffeine than go to the mall. On a weekend. During the holidays.

And here’s why!

Reason #1 why I hate the mall: Chapped Lips

For whatever reason, I always end up with chapped lips after a trip to the mall. And I never have any good lip balm with me when I go. I’ve got 50 lip glosses and 25 lipsticks but no freakin’ balm. Not one Burt’s Bees or one Nivea. Not even a freakin chapstick. Hell, I’d toss my daughter down the escalator for a Blistex. No, not really, but I’d make her walk down them instead of ride.

What is it about mall air that dries up my lips? Give me my lip repair and my laptop and I’ll go all day long.

Reason #2 why I hate the mall: Sinus trouble

The same goddamn air that dries my lips inevitably loosens up my sinus passages. I sneeze, wheeze and sniffle my way through the Gap, Aero and Penneys. By the time we hit the food court my head is so stuffy that I couldn’t tell a slice of pizza from lo mien. When I get home I need major medical intervention just to breathe.

So much better to sit in my jammies and breathe easily while I surf and shop.

Reason #3 why I hate the mall: People

And I’m not even going to be specific about what kind of people. I hate them all. The Grammies out there trying to find trendy clothes for their granddaughters and asking my advice. Yeah, yeah, I’m cool enough, but I’m not going to be talked about at some stranger’s holiday gathering. “That little blond woman at Hollister said you’d like this.” This as the girls scowls at the sweater and curses me under her breath. I can’t take that kind of responsibility. I’ve got enough people damming me to hell.

Or the rude people. The ones who step in line in front of you. The ones who block the isle with their big carts and bigger asses at Toys R Us. That crazy bastard in front of you who decides to write a check! What the hell is that? A check? Oh. My. God. I’m outta there! A glass of wine and some evening shopping while snuggling my hubby is looking better and better.

Reason #4 why I hate the mall: Coupons

While I love coupons when I’m shopping online, I absolutely hate them when I’m in the store. What the hell are the odds that I would pick the one freakin item in the entire store that is excluded on my coupon? Well, let me tell you, if it’s me; it’s a sure bet.

And those coupons where you get so much off by spending so much? That’s a nightmare. I have to take out my phone, find the calculator app and to the math! Like I’ve got time for that. And it’s never right. I always am off by a buck or two and the helpful sales clerk offers one of those hinky, junky sparkly gadgets at the counter. The very things that hypnotize my daughter and breaks before we leave the store.

A new coupon sort thing trick is the ‘get a gift card with a minimum purchase’ gimmick. Invariably, you have to overspend by a cool twenty just to get a damn ten dollar gift card. How do they do it? Easy. If you have to spend $40 on a certain line merchandise to get the ‘bonus’, those items cost $19.99. So you would have to buy almost $60 – three cents shy of it – to get the ten bucks. Incredible. Being able to pee without seeking out a public restroom, even if it means that the cat sits in my jammie bottoms while I’m doing it, is so attractive right now.

Reason #5 why I hate the mall: Hauling your own crap.

Yep, not only do you have to physically go to the shit you’re buying, but you have to carry it out of the store, pack it in your car and take it home. And even that sounds simple until you add in the chapped lips, the sinus headache building in my temples, the freaking idiots out there, the coupons and the fact that I’m also trying to eat a pretzel while carrying three clothes bags, a bag with two pairs of boots and keep an eye on my kid and aunt and it’s a recipe for disaster. It’s a small wonder more people don’t go crazy inside the mall.

Nope, let me haul my crap in from my porch, even in the winter, and I’m a happy woman. Better yet, be the last one home in the evening and someone else hauls your crap in for you. Doorstep service. Ingenious.

Reason #6 why I hate the mall: Parking

This really is a ‘two-fer’ type of hate: I hate the parking situation because I’m already hating the people parking the damn cars. Driving through the lot or the garage is like going to battle. I feel like I need a course in defensive driving just to get through it. Don’t these people like their cars? They use them like battering rams. Like they’re disposable or ‘their other car’ truly is a ‘BMW’. You literally take your life in your own hands going to the mall.

And the fun starts almost immediately. Who the hell designed the ramps and turning lanes and parking spaces at the mall? Hendricks Motor Sports? There’s banking and draft and way too many left turns. If you’re lucky enough to get from the highway to the parking area unscathed, you’re sure to go down in flames once you try to find a parking space. Between people not using turn signals, ignoring stop signs and speeding, you’ll be lucky if you’re not t-boned at the first 4-way stop sign.

And once you’ve braved the ramps getting there, maneuvered past the idiots who feel that they always have the right-of-way and have actually found a space that isn’t half taken up by the jackass who can’t park his pickup or the scrawny accountant who doesn’t want anyone parking too close to his Volvo, and you’ve gotten your vehicle into a spot, know good and well that once you’re done shopping and are burdened down with more packages than even an alpaca could carry; some nitwit will have dinged your car while you were shopping.

And that’s if you can even find your damn car!

Nope, I’ll keep the shine on my car and shop at home.

Friends, I could go on and on about what I absolutely hate about the mall, and maybe I will later on, but I’ll end right here. Thank you Internet Gods for allowing me to shop from the comfort of home. Thank you for making it acceptable, encouraged even, to shop drunk, half naked and lying on the floor. It truly is one of the best things in life!



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