I managed to take in some television today, and coupled with a strange stomach ailment, I’ve decided that we as a society share way, way, way too damn much. So I’m compiling a list of shit that I think we ought to keep to ourselves.
- Irregularity. Yep, I don’t want to hear about your old ‘normal’ compared to your new one. You’re having regular BM’s? That’s fantastic. Don’t make a commercial out of it. Additionally, don’t send videos of it to Jamie Lee Curtis. I find it hard to believe she sits around watching them when she’s not being paid too. I find the whole thing disturbing. As my tiny nieces would say, it’s ‘ewey’.
- Low Testosterone. Seriously, you want me to believe that a guy begins to lose it at age 25? I’m married to a 45 year old who seemed to defy that claim. And who the hell is volunteering for these tests? Who’s going to admit that they don’t have the get up and go that they did when they were 25? Likewise, who’s going to deny it? Finally, who’s going to want it? I remember 25, I don’t care to go back there.
- Age spots/dark spots/scars. Let’s keep these dirty little secrets safety underneath our concealers, mineral foundations and age-defying creams. I know, realistically someone’s got to talk about them so I can order them, but don’t go broadcasting it all over primetime where my husband can scrutinize my skin and wonder #1 if I have any of said spots or scars #2 if I have any of the shit advertised on TV and #3 how much it cost him. I don’t do well under that kind of pressure. I crack. Easily.
- Dandruff. Really? We want to know about this? And more importantly, is there anyone out there who doesn’t already know about this? Surely to God in this day and age a person who has dandruff doesn’t need a commercial to be told to go to the goddamn pharmacy and get some special shampoo. I think we’ve been educated enough Head and Shoulder’s people; we know you’re out there waiting to help with our scalp ailments.
- Erectile dysfunction. Again, something that we are all well-educated on. Without completely dating myself, I believe I learned everything I wanted to know when Bob and Libby Dole opened up to America on Bob’s sporadic inability to stand at attention. I think I still have night terrors about it. So again, something we are definitely over-sharing.
- Learning a foreign language. I honest to God think that people should be working harder on learning their native tongue that trying to branch out to learn a new one. People butcher the English language enough; I don’t think they need to shred a second one. And isn’t it embarrassing enough to know we butcher or native tongue? Do we really have to be reminded we’re not bilingual?
- PMS medications. We women know we’re slightly touchy a certain times of the month but that is absolutely no reason it should be broadcast across the television waves. And besides, what’s a mere few days of us being somewhat less than our sunny, pleasant selves? My god, do men even notice we have PMS? I don’t think so. Just a waste of advertising dollars if you ask me.
- Anti-depressants. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but if you’re too depressed to get out of bed, are you really going to watch a commercial and get a script from your doctor for that medicine? No, you’re probably going to wallow a little more in your misery and watch more sad movies on Lifetime. Besides, the commercials bring the rest of us down. Okay, maybe I am being insensitive.
So that’s my list, for better or worse, and whatever anyone wants to do with it. I’ll now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.