I’ve got to vent. I can’t help it. I just gotta. I think it’s like an addiction for me. If I don’t vent; I start scratching and hallucinating and all that good stuff. I’m a venting junkie and today my vent is this: people who stand in front of the mirror and take pictures of themselves and post it on social media.
This has got to stop. And here’s why.
First, it’s kinda pathetic. Are you just out there trolling for compliments? I mean, if you feel good and think you might actually look good, do you really give a shit what we think? Is your self-confidence so low that you need us to build you up with likes and virtual cat calls? I certainly hope not. Quit humiliating yourself and stop this action immediately.
Second, you’re not that hot. Whether you’re showing off your abs, pecs or the whole package, it’s just not that good. Oh sure, it’s probably better than some, but it’s not of the grade or quality that would warrant a post on your wall. Those people I was talking about that sent you a like? It was a pity like. I recommend that you instantly delete any and all photos you have taken of yourself while posing in the mirror.
Which leads me to the third reason you should not post self-portraits of yourself in front of the mirror: you’re posing. That’s ridiculous. Stoppit. You are standing there posing in a mirror like a toddler who just discovered their tongue and you’ve snapped a picture of it and you put in on display for people like me to criticize. I was wrong; it’s not kinda pathetic. It’s totally pathetic.
Finally, why can’t you get someone else to take your picture? Don’t you have a friend or a neighbor who would be willing to take your picture? Do you have anyone? Maybe the UPS guy or the meter reader or your parole officer who could help you out? Surely to God there is someone, anyone, who you could employ to take your picture? You can’t be that much of a social outcast that you can’t find a person. Anyone? Someone? No? Me? Oh God no, I’ve got much more important shit to do! I’m a writer for God’s sake!
So there you have it; sound advice for my friends who pose in the mirror to take a picture of themselves to post on social media. I trust you’ll heed this as you do all my constructive criticisms and be a better person for it. I know I feel better just helping you out.