The Consignment Bitch

Once in a while I take on someone else’s bitch and make it my own. I’ll harden it like steel with my own rage and really work into something that takes on a life and just slap the shit out everything around it.

Or, like usual, I’ll just bitch about it and pour myself another glass of wine.

Well today I’m going to consign my bitch out. Today, I’m going to do the Friday Bitch on Thursday and use my bff’s bitch: People who can’t park. Nope, it’s broader than that. People who absolutely refuse to park right.

We see this quite often. The person who parks in the yellow section of a parking lot where yellow clearly means ‘do not park’. Or the person who blocks in a whole row of cars because they were just going to be gone ‘for one minute.’ The driver of the big SUV who parks in the ‘cars only’ parking spot and of course the person who is clearly not handicapped parking in a spot designated for those who need it.

Well we’re here to say we’re over it.

We’re tired, nay sick and tired, of people thumbing their noses at the rules of parking and yes, I’ll say it, the rules of human decency. Do you really think that there’s no harm in blocking us in? What if I have to go somewhere and I don’t know where you freakin are, who you are of if I put my honkin big SUV into 4WD I can get over your compact? What then genius? Either I’m so pissed off that there’s no way a conversation between us can end good or your cute little hybrid is flat on the pavement. Either way, I’m liable to break a nail and then the whole ugly business begins again.

So here’s a few little things to keep in mind when you’re considering parking someplace you shouldn’t.

People are always moving. Therefore, it’s a damn good bet that when you pull in behind a person, that person is going to have to leave and won’t be able to. So do us all a favor and look for another spot.

You can always use more exercise. No one among us is not without the need to walk a little more. Think of it as one of the small ways you can kick start losing that last 20 pounds or so. Or be real with yourself and acknowledge that walking to and from your car is basically the only real exercise you get and you have knock off at least 50 pounds to even resemble something desirable. Oh, I’m sorry, a little too harsh? Then by all means, park closer and die sooner.

Really, you’re not in that much of a hurry. On your trip in to wherever the hell is missing your presence, you stopped and talked to at least five people only to either lie, gossip or brag. If you have that much time, do the right thing and find a parking spot and not leave your vehicle in the middle of the parking area, running, and with your yapping dog inside. We’re done with you.

If it’s between your comfort and mine; I always win. Simple enough. You have to make way for me because frankly I’m more important than you. I don’t see any reason to expound on this except to simply say reread the first sentence and jump down to the next paragraph.

If there’s a sign at the head of the space that says anything and then the word ‘only’; it’s probably not a spot intended for you. Oh come on, you know what I mean. Doctor’s Only. Authorized Personnel Only. Expectant Mothers Only. Stay out of these spots unless you part of the select ‘only’ group. Otherwise, you’re just being a douchebag.

It just galls me, and my bff, to no end to see you exercising poor parking judgment. Sure, I know you’re really not better than that, but still, it’s galling. You’re demonstrating your stupidity and your reckless regard for others. There’s nothing more I can say except: stoppit!


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