Most of us are so caught up in the moment, living in the here and now, carpe diem type of deal that we often forget where we came from. We forget our past, our history, our lineage. And when we’re good and stuck in the present, smug and thinking nothing can touch us, WHAM the past comes up and gives us a good one right in the head.
I am knowing that feeling.
I can’t really say that I’d forgotten my past, but I had just gotten so used to being me, the here and now me, that I’d forgotten that there was a past me. Before I was a mom and a wife or someone’s assistant. I was me, becoming the present-day me. I was new and I was pretty absorbent.
My past came and gave me a swift kick to the head in the most subtle of ways…a simple whisper of a name. At first, it was only a first name, but my ears pricked in anticipation. “Say the last name, say the last name.” I repeated over and over in my head. I was excited. I knew what was coming and I couldn’t wait to hear it. I had to wait a few days to discover if my past was coming back to haunt me. And then finally, confirmation! ‘Houston, we have a go!‘
As the name drifted through space to my ears, my past washed over me like a wave. Warm and comforting, yet with a salty bite. I welcomed the past, even if it was held a bitter taste. Pasts are like that. Usually warm and cozy like grandma’s quilt; but definitely a few rough edges to it.
The name brought me back to my childhood, hearing bits and pieces of conversation that was so salacious that it had to be conducted in hushed tones. My mother, grandmother, aunts, they all spoke the name as if saying it three times would bring about some demonic possession. I loved it. Hearing it now; I loved it even more. It’s like forbidden fruit; it just tastes sweeter.
And if you’re like me, you embrace your past, both the good and the not so good, and you think on it and you let it take hold of you even for a little while. I go back in time when my parents were alive and when I lived a different life. No children or husband to look after, no job to attend to. I was me, in my purest form, waiting for the world to shape me. It is thrilling to be back there, sad because I miss those who have gone and those who have yet to come. Throw in feelings of longing, regret and some pretty awesome times, and my past is bubbling up around me like champagne. Tingling on my skin, making me a little tipsy and placing a sly grin on my face.
I love my past, for better or for worse. And while I can’t say I wouldn’t change a second of it; I am thankful for how my past as turned me into the person I am today.