How to Prepare for the Bath Salt Zombie Apocalypse

Okay, okay, I know this is a damn serious situation. I get that. I don’t want bath salt zombies in my neighborhood any more than you do. This is why I’m blogging about it. Consider it my PSA on the subject, rife with my unique perspective on the problem and my unique solutions.

So here goes.

Son #2 and I were having a lively discussion on the front porch yesterday as to what is the most effective, if not the most gruesome, way in which to kill a bath salt zombie. Oh, dear reader, I’m serious here. If I see a bath salt zombie it will be one way and only one way: through the night sights of my 40 cal. I will not negotiate with bath salt zombies. My gun will do my negotiating.

And yet again, I feel the need to appeal to my sensitive readers whom I love dearly, but don’t understand completely. I know this is a real problem. We need to help the zombies. They need to be rehabilitated. It’s a social issue beyond social issues. We need to fix this problem.

But until then, I’m preparing for the apocalypse.

Son #2, no slouch in the gruesome department, feels that the best way to put a bath salt zombie down is a shot to the face. Not the head, the face. He likes this plan because he feels that will stop the zombie, but more importantly, the zombie’s face will explode and hey if the plan fails and the zombie keeps coming at you, at least you had the experience of seeing his face explode.

I can appreciate the rationale behind this plan. I appreciate his penchant for exploding faces. But I do think I have a better plan.

Go for the chest shot.

Aiming for the center mass is a safer shot in my mind. First, it’s a bigger target and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be shitting my pants when I see the horde of Bath Salt Zombies coming down my street. I’m going to have to take the easy shot. So center mass is the way to go.

Second, I’m going to assume that a Bath Salt Zombie’s heart is going at, like, 200 beats per minute. I’m no medical professional here but even I can surmise that if I take out the pumper, which is going balls out, I’m going to drop a Zombie pretty darn quick. They can’t come at you if they have no blood. Again, I must defer to my original plan and go for the old heart shot.

Finally, a thumping in the chest will make identification a much easier task. Sure, it’s a zombie, but it’s somebody’s zombie after all and not exploding its face will go a long way in ID-ing the sucker. Center mass is making more and more sense.

My son and I still don’t agree on where to best deliver the kill shot, but one thing’s for certain, when the Zombie Mass tries to take my street, blood will spill and faces will explode.

Disclaimer: Drug abuse is a serious problem and no one should take it lightly. No one except me, I guess, but this disclaimer should get me out of hot water with anyone who may be offended by my flip attitude. If you or someone you love is abusing drugs, I beg you to get the help you need and make us all proud by living a long and sober life.

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