My Love/Hate Affair with Texting

I text. A lot. Probably a couple hundred or so every day. Hell, maybe even more. I love texting and I hate texting. I think some people should only text and some people should never text. Let me break it down for you.

I think my children should only text me. Look, I hear their yappy mouths enough when I’m at home with them, I don’t need to hear it when I finally get an opportunity to get the hell away from them. And each child’s text is a little different. Oh, none of them can spell worth a damn, but each one has a different kind of personality that, if I didn’t see who had sent me the text; I would still know the author.

My oldest son’s texts always start out with a friendly little greeting. “How r u?” I know what’s coming next yet I fight the urge to ask ‘how much’ and I reply with a polite “Good, u?” And then we do a little dance and finally he asks me for the favor. Usually it’s money. Once it was to watch his girlfriend’s cat indefinitely. I’d rather give him the money. But generally, when Son#1 texts, it’s for one favor or another. And that’s okay. That’s what texting is for: getting to the point without the frills of painful, polite conversation.

The middle guy is a little more conversational in his texting. Sometimes he’s texts me because he’s bored. Those are texts worth saving. He’s pretty funny and usually his texts are good for at least one belly laugh. His introduction text is simply ‘yo’, to which I reply ‘yo mama’. Not really that funny, but the conversation picks up from there. Son#2 likes to bitch text too. He excels at bitching and sometimes that’s even funnier than when he’s trying to be funny. All in all though, he’s a texting hero and I generally don’t cringe when I get one of his little digital messages.

My daughter is no frills, no nonsense. She once texted simply ‘turkey’ and since I was at the grocery store, I headed to the deli counter. She doesn’t care to converse via text because it’s too much like spelling homework and at her age, homework plain bites the big one. I did read some of her conversations with her little friends and they were more animated, but when she’s texting me, it’s all bare bones.

One person who shouldn’t text is my aunt. I can’t for the life of me figure out what she’s telling me and just about every time I get a text from her, I have to pick up the phone and ask her what the hell she’s talking about and if she opened a bottle of wine without me. Either way, I’m confused and annoyed. Her texts aren’t always meant for me either. Sometimes she gets ‘ghost texters’ and I have be mindful of who may be reading my reply. I don’t like getting scolded for having a potty mouth. Doesn’t stop me from having a potty mouth, just don’t like the scolding.

My boss probably shouldn’t text either. He still hasn’t moved into a keyboard phone and I just hate seeing him pound away at that number pad. When I do text him, I try to make it so his reply can be a simple yes or no or maybe just a K. I’m thoughtful that way; I hope he appreciates it.

Angry people shouldn’t text and neither should people who are in love. With either emotion, it’s just way too easy to misinterpret the meaning of the text. Or if they do text, they should be long explanatory texts where there can be no doubt what the author is trying to convey. A simple “f**k you’ can be construed in so many ways – good and bad – that I think further elaboration is required. Hey, I’ve been told that in ways that made my toes curl and in ways that made my blood boil. I want to know for sure what emotion I should be displaying before I go and shave my legs!

My friends should definitely text me. All the time. It’s the best way to snark on people in the same room with you. I’ve often texted my friend while she’s sitting across the table from me. It’s less revealing that an eye roll and you can make your point so much easier.

Drunk people should always text as well. I know this from experience. Some of my friends still have my drunken texts and pull them out when we get together to relive those good times. Personally, I think I say some pretty profound shit when I’m drunk and texting but hey, if you want to get a laugh or two out of it, I’m game. I can take a joke, even if the joke is me.

So that’s my list for now. I guess I could go on but I’ve got about five texts backed up on my phone that I just gotta look at. Keep on texting!

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