Pondering the ‘What If’s’

Lately, I’ve been pondering a whole lot of ‘what if’s’ in my life and while I’ve come to some very real…and revealing…conclusions I still come up short with the answers or even the quick fixes to what I perceive as the problems in my life. I’ve been playing this game with myself for a very long time and still, solid rational answers elude me. Should I have done this or that differently? Some answers are remarkably easy. Others are tough. Some are so obscure that I’m not even sure of the problem or mistake, let alone where I went wrong, if I went wrong. I can take stock of my life as much as I like, but the real question remains…do I have the courage to change it?

Change is hard and no matter how much you believe in what you’re doing, someone always gets hurt. Chances are very good that more than one person gets hurt and the harsh reality of it all is that nearly all the time you are one of those people hurt. Badly. As in, fill the bathtub I’m slicing my wrists kind of hurt.

But that’s what choice does. It leaves you raw and bloody. It makes you feel like you’ve landed in a pit (it puts its lotion on its skin!) and you’re only coming out in pieces. It makes you want to flog yourself. Question everything. Suspect everyone. Punish yourself.

But that’s how choices go. If they were easy, we’d be making them all the time. We’d go from long hair to short hair and back to long just as fast as it could grow. We’d be all vegan one day and carnivore the next. We’d never marry, or we’d marry multiple times, hoping that we’d finally gotten right. We’d be fearless. We’d be badass.

I like fearless.

I like badass.

That’s what I want to be. I want to make those hard choices. I want to change and evolve and love and live. I want to look at you and smile and say I’m all yours and I want you to be all mine. I want you to see the courage and determination in me and let it reflect in you. I want to be the lyrics of a Bon Jovi song.

Revealing indeed. Is this what happens when you type without censuring yourself? Because it feels really fucking good.

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