Time to Measure Up!

Who says surfing the net is a waste of time? Well, my family, my friends, my co-workers, the lady at the deli counter. Sure, but what the hell do they know? I find some really, really interesting shit on the internet. So, as usual, these people just don’t know what they’re talking about.

And, as usual, I do.

Yesterday, I found a very interesting little slide show about men. Hey, I’m no great fan of men. Well, okay, I’ve got a few favorites, but really, their status as favorites is so damn tenuous that really, it could go either way. The only one man in my life right now who is safe is my lab. The rest better watch their step. Really. I’m pissed.

Wow, let’s put the train back on the track. Geesh, I’m sorta on the ledge…kinda scaring myself. Back to the article.

So the article was entitled, sorta, what you can learn from a man by their appearance. So, wanting to know everything about men, I dove right into the article. Here’s what I learned in my favorite format for blogging…the list:

7.    Penis size. We’ll deal with the ‘meat’ of the article first. Just in case I bore the crap out of you and you click on to another goofball blog (stay on my goofball blog!). This is what we all want to be able to measure, right? Well, yes and no. I am not a big proponent, I swear to your God, of a large penis. I don’t think it’s important. No, I’m not pandering to my male readers; I just don’t care. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to know some kind of sneaky trick to determine a guy’s size before he gets naked in front of me. Sure, sure, it’s sorta like snooping around the house looking for your Christmas present and like a NSA operative delicately opening it to peek inside. But hey, whatever edge you can get in a situation, the better off you are. But anyway, my feeble opinion aside, this article says that you can get an idea of a man’s penis size by looking at the difference in size between his index finger and his ring finger. I thought it funny that when I told my BFF this, she asked which hand. Stumped me for a minute until I replied whichever gave her the result she wanted. And really, isn’t that what penis size is all about? If you like the penis, it’s the perfect size. Now there’s a t-shirt just begging to be screen printed. Use it, gentle reader, just send me some royalties.

6.    Men with dark eyes are less likely to develop a drinking problem. Okay, that’s great. Problem is, if I’m in a drinking situation with a man, I’m probably drunk myself and the last thing I’m thinking about is his propensity to becoming an alcoholic. I’m busy measuring his freaking fingers.

“Hey there buddy, can I see your hand?”

“Sure, why?”

“Aahh, well, just looking at your manicure. Gotta a ruler?”

Classic shit here, I’m sure. The article cited some scientific garble that I only glanced over. I work for a science guy, I don’t need more science. I got all the science I’ll ever need. But the article did say that dark-eye men have a lower tolerance for alcohol and therefore tend to drink less. Light eyed guys can handle more liquor, drink more and therefore become addicted. To me, the thinking is reversed, but then again, I’m a light-eyed woman who can sock away the Wild Turkey and who likes throwing the curve into a tailspin. So this one is sorta irrelevant; especially if you get the numbers you were looking for in #7.

5.    Men with wider faces are less trustworthy. What? Not only am I supposed to be measuring his fingers…I gotta look at how wide his face is? And compared to what? A bird’s? A bulldog’s? I have no damn clue about how I’d go about assessing this physical trait. And what if the guy’s a little puffy that day? Is he more likely to screw you over because he’s retaining water? Jesus Christ (narrow face if you believe all the artwork), is this for real? Humor (probably only perceived on my part) aside, don’t you find it interesting that Jesus is portrayed with a narrow face? Maybe there’s a teensy bit of rational thinking in this one. I’ll let this one stay on the list. I’ll ponder it a little more. Over some American Honey. Over a lot of American Honey.

4.    Larger body sized men tend to last longer in bed. To me, this is more important than penis size. I want to be there for a while and it’s nice to have a partner who’s going to go the distance. This isn’t a sprint; no need to shoot out of the gate when the finish line is only 30 seconds away. I paid more attention to this physical trait and what the facts (really? Facts?) were saying. The thinking behind this, and I swear I’ll find the article and cite it so you can read it too, is that larger men have more of the female sex hormone estradiol in their bodies which disrupts the transmission of male chemicals, slowing down their orgasm. That might be a direct quote and I swear I’ll cite it. But putting it in perspective, I guess that means that men who go a little soft around the middle are better lovers. I think this is sound logic and a big freakin’ slap in the face to the guys who have zero body fat. And, more importantly, this plays right into my wheelhouse. Sure I love a good bicep, but you give me a little tummy and I’m resting my head there all day long. And hey, if I’m already down there…

3.    Men who tend to be conservative are less likely to follow our gaze. I simply replied, ‘who the fuck cares’. That’s all I have to say on the matter. No wait, one more thing: If I love my guy and he’s conservative and I’m liberal, that makes for good conversation. Good conversation IF he’s open for conversation. And if he’s not open for good conversation, I don’t care if he’s following my gaze. I’ll be walking out the door. Okay, now that’s all if have to say on the matter. He can gaze at my spectacular ass as it’s walking out the door…seriously, now I’m done.

2.    Clean-shaven men are more successful? Really? How about all those Vikings who conquered England, Ireland, a lot of Europe? That was a hairy bunch. Anyone else follow Brett Keisel’s beard on Facebook? He’s got over 40k likes. Nearly 20k people are talking about him at any given time. That’s not success? I guess to a certain demographic, the clean shaven, suit and tie type of guy would be somehow perceived as more successful…until the zombies attack. When I’m in the fight of my life against the flesh-eating undead, I’m looking for the most rugged, hairy, weaponized man I can find. My only exception? Men in uniform. Clean shaven and tough as hell. That equals success. So I’ll give this trait half-credibility and our men in uniform all the credit for making it conceivable.

And the number one…

1.    Men with rounder softer features are better fathers. The thinking behind this is that they have less testosterone and are less rigid, harsh, bullish, whatever. In other words, they’re more like moms. Okay, that’s fine, but isn’t it the testosterone monkeys that women generally look for in a mate? And isn’t it the testosterone monkeys who, by being alpha males, get the women? Look at the cavemen. Do you think it was the sensitive Neanderthal who got mating rites? Hell no, it was the big brute with the unibrow and the big club who got to get it with the girl. It’s called survival of the fittest and even now you gotta be tough to survive. There’s example after example in the animal kingdom of those with the biggest balls gets to use them. It’s not the thoughtful lion who gets to mate with the pride. No, it’s the rouge male who comes in, kills the current male and the babies and then goes around impregnating all the females. People, we haven’t evolved past this. We still want to be taken, ravished and not read Longfellow. Just look at your Kindle or Nook and see what you’re reading. We’re not reading about men who are softer and rounder and are good fathers. We’re reading about warriors and vampires and men with Scottish accents who admire our boobs and butts. And we’re mating with these types. Leave the parenting up to us moms. Give me a Highlander who tosses me in bed any day. I’ll happily raise the kids!

So there you have it. What men’s physical traits say about them. Now go out there and start measuring!

Walsh, Brienne, Watch & Learn (2012) http://glo.msn.com/#!stackState=0__%2Frelationships%2Fthings-you-can-tell-by-looking-at-him-8591.gallery

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