Resistance is Futile

So I caved. I sold my soul, at a bargain price I might add, and I’m paying for it. Literally up front and every month. I feel cheated, used up and in need of a good scrubbing shower. I’ve been hosed and left wanting. Like the old equestrian adage: rode hard and put away wet. It sounds more salacious than it is. Trust me. It’s kinda icky. But anyway, I’m off track yet again so let me come clean in my latest failure:

I got a new cell phone.

God help me, I said I would never do it. I swore on my life that I was happy with my old phone and that I would be goddammed if I were going to pay the service providers ridiculous fees and bend to their data limits and higher rates. I would stick with my tiny phone and enjoy unlimited data until my eyes crossed.

Until my eyes crossed.

So with this new found resolve I’ve someone contracted like the Black Death I marched into my local cell phone store and announced that like it or not, Denise was getting a new phone. Oh I put out my demands. I didn’t want a cap on my data usage and I wanted to maintain my free hotspot and I was no way going to pay the $30 upgrade fee. Why should I pay to keep the network in business. Wasn’t the payment of my monthly bill enough?

And then I met Kylie. She was the perky sweet little representative who only laughed a little when she saw my ancient smart phone. Ancient smart phone. Sounds like an oxy-moron and it’s really rather terrifying when you think about it. There are cell phones out there – purported smart ones no less – that are outdated. And I had one of the most outdatedness! Not only didn’t my phone display in high definition nor chirp out quality tones and melodies, it wasn’t even made anymore and therefore I couldn’t get any of newest apps! Ohmigod! Point me in the direction of new smart phone! It’s time to assimilate!

But Kylie was so kind and she made my complete and utter surrender to the cell phone collective as painless as possible. And while she could only grant one of the my three wishes (free hotspot! Epic!), she tried hard and I concluded that it was only money after all and who was I to argue with the forward progress of the melding of society into one mindless pile of identical Droids! (clever clue as to my new phone, no?)

So now I’m up to speed. I’ve got the newest smart phone with literally countless apps just waiting for me to use. I’ve got games and music and messaging and shopping and hell if I could only get the hang of the freaking virtual keyboard I would find my computer useless. As it is now, I’m a complete failure at the texting. Wait, not so much the texting that I fail at; it’s the coherent texting that’s got me stumped. Friends hate me and even clever ciphering by some of the smart ones doesn’t always work when I’m texting in a hurry. My code is a tough one. Drunk texts are going to stump the NSA code breakers. It’s going to be an ugly mess.

I had to go back to see Kylie, the cute little representative, with a few questions about the phone. She was helpful as can be but in the end she couldn’t figure out my issue either. I guess the collective didn’t want me to have my school’s fight song as a ringtone. And that’s okay, I’ve assimilated. Resistance is futile. Once a Driod; always a Droid…oh wait, is that from Pirates of the Caribbean? I’m confusing my mind controlling themes here.

Kinda makes that dinosaur of a flip phone pretty damn attractive!


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