The Friday Bitch – Grinding Through the Gears

Today I hate being meek. Ahahahah! Right, you say, I’m meek. Well, I think I kinda am. And since this is a new year/new me, I made an effort to try and change that.

Boy did that shit blow up in my face.

I’ve ranted on before about how hard it is to set a tone in a text or an email. I’ve bitched that I’ve had misconstrued conversations and earned some hurt feelings because I (wrongly) took a cyber conversation the wrong way. And I’ve cautioned you all to be very careful about what your little fingers are sending to your friends. Evidentially, I didn’t believe it applied to me.

Now, let me defend myself a little bit. The new year/new me is trying to be more assertive. Assertive. Let me say it again, assertive. Big difference between assertive and aggressive. I’m learning the difference. And maybe it just wasn’t aggressiveness, but dog at the end of a chain aggressiveness that I displayed yesterday. Again, learning isn’t an overnight process. You burn out a lot of clutches when you’re learning to drive a stick.

I do believe people need to be assertive. I think it’s important that we are able to convey our feelings and our issues in a way that is inoffensive and nonthreatening. No one has the right to say something just to hurt another person. And conversely, no one should just sit back and take it. Communicating one’s feelings in a way that gets the message across and doesn’t make the other person cringe really ought to be everyone’s goal when they feel the compulsion to make some noise. I need to follow my own advice.

To say that right now my plate if full is a vast understatement. I’m not complaining. For the most part, I find my new year/new me a wonderment. I’m awestruck by the feeling of freedom and optimism when I consider the crossroads where I now find myself. When the pieces of a long unfinished jigsaw finally come together, it’s as if the heavens have opened up and the Angels themselves are singing the Alleluia chorus just for you. It’s enlightening, empowering and a little bit dizzying. I’m afraid it went to my head.

After playing it safe for so long, I pushed the envelope yesterday. New year/new me didn’t give a rat’s ass and disconnected the control switch. It got a little out of control. Toss in some hormones and a little frustration and it was defcon 4. What I thought was a rational explanation, I now see as a tirade by a big bully. Me.

So to the world and especially to those that I rained hell on yesterday, I am truly sorry. I am still working on new year/new me and I don’t run smoothly through the gears yet. I know you don’t want me meek, but me being nuclear-capable isn’t the answer either. I’m trying and that’s my only defense.

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