Driving Miss Crazy

I’ve recently come to a few sad but admittedly blatant conclusions and while I’m going to keep most of them to myself, I will share one with you all, my dearest friends: I am a horrible driver.

I never believed it. I’ve only had one accident in my adult life. Seriously. And the sum total of damage it caused to the other driver was $800. My damages? Nothing. I was driving a tank. But anyway, having only one accident, I was certain I was a good driver. I didn’t speed. I wore my seat belt. I used turn signals. See, good driver. And then I had to admit the sad truth.

I am a lousy driver.

I run red lights…I just don’t acknowledge them. Like they’re there to keep everyone out of my way and I don’t have to stop for them. You all have to stop to let me go through a red light. I do this more than I care to admit, okay, I admit at least nearly once a month. And no, I’m not giving out my license number so you can turn me in. I just don’t see that red light as pertaining to me. You people, sure, stop all you want. I’ve got places to go.

And since I’m out of practice at city driving, I’m a lousy lane changer. I forget there are people in other lanes going the same way I am. I just cross over in front of them. Horn blaring ensues. I cover my mouth in surprise and yell “I’m sorry” in my vehicle. I’m sure they don’t care. They nearly got careened by a dumb girl driving a way too big vehicle. (N.B.: If you can’t touch the roof of the vehicle you’re driving, you need a smaller car.)

And I’ve had a lot of trouble actually paying attention to driving. It’s like it isn’t important, when I’m behind the wheel to actually pay attention to, you know, being behind the wheel. I look for stuff, usually my cell phone, and most recently my cell phone charger. But I look for these things in earnest. I divert long amounts of time away from the road to find these things. Than just cannot be good.

I underestimate stopping distance. Now, I never used to do this. I think it has something to do with my constantly looking for some this or that in the car. But I’ve been cutting it sorta close in the realm of stopping at a safe distance. I’m kinda scaring myself. Think what I’m doing to the poor bastard in front of me.

I hit potholes. I lot of them. I think I broke my car doing it. Seriously. Broke. The. Car. Well, it’s fixed now, so who the hell cares, but still. I broke a car.

I do a lot of other stupid things I’ll summarize here: run off the road, talk to people in the back seat, reach into the back seat, put on lipstick, sing loudly, change tracks on my MP3 player, reach onto the floor to pick something up, just to name a few. I’m sure if I asked my passengers, admittedly less than there used to be, they’d have a whole host of other violations.

Maybe I need a refresher course at the DMV. Maybe I need a driver? Anyone with some free time? The life you save may be your own!

Keep it on your own side my friends!

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