The List – The Art of Cohabitation

God, I love a list. It most likely plays into my slight (haha) compulsion disorder – never diagnosed but I can pretty much tell these things – that makes me love them so. Like that awesome golf swing or that beautiful kiss (notice my dear people which made the #1 spot), lists just do it for me. So I’m going to do it for you while I’m doing it for me and try and make it sound like its mutual.

Whatever your current living situation, be it blissfully alone or wonderfully coupled it’s about a 100% chance that you have, at one time, lived with another person. And I’m confident in that prediction because I’m going to include parents and children in the living with someone scenario.   In case you just met me, I don’t like to be wrong.   I find it alien and unpleasant.   So I try to always hedge my bets to continue what can simply be called the genius that is me.

But I digress…

Living with another human being poses some great obstacles that are often the cause of great strife in a household.   And usually – although not always (because I don’t want to be wrong here) – these disruptions to the tranquility co-existence can be avoided if one follows some simple rules.

Alas…the list!

  1. Unless you’re going to fold the entire load, take only what you need out of the dryer.   Let the dryer gods lord over the remaining laundry and protect them from the wrinkle gremlins.  That’s not to say that you have an open ended treatise with the gods…after a while they’ll assume you’re a lazy slob who doesn’t care about wrinkles and move on.   A final note:  don’t make this a habit or you’ll be scrambling for underwear because the washer-woman is on strike.
  2. Dirty clothes go into the dirty clothes basket.  Not beside it.   You get your crime posted on Facebook for doing that.
  3. Don’t bring a glass out at the exact moment your housemate is finishing the last of dishes.  You’re liable to have it inserted into your ass as a remembrance to ‘police your glass’-wear on a regular basis.
  4. Since we’re talking dishes and such, I’d like to also add that if someone has done nothing more than push a few buttons on a microwave in order to feed you; it’s still a lot more than you did and you should therefore be eternally grateful.  You’ll die if you don’t eat so someone popping a bowl of beef-a-roni in the microwave has literally just saved your life.   Give that person a thank you and refer to #3 above.
  5. Sandwiches made by someone else are way better than ones you make for yourself.   I can’t explain it but it’s a proven fact.   So spread the love and make ‘em a ham and cheese.
  6. The great toilet paper over or under debate is a damn waste of time. No one cares.  Not even me.   However, if it really bothers you, always be sure to put a new roll on with the tail the way you want.   Sneaky! (See what I did there, right?)
  7. It’s always a good idea to fold the towels neatly over the towel rack.  It looks nice, sure, but it also keeps your roomie from trying to suffocate you in your sleep because she’s straightened the towels five times that day.
  8. You’re at your most vulnerable when you’re on the toilet staring at an empty roll.  You better hope you’ve chosen your words wisely in the moments/hours/years leading up to this unfortunate event.  Otherwise, it could be a long wait.
  9. Blankets don’t refold themselves.  They haven’t evolved to that point and apparently neither have you.  (As an aside, I even refold blankets at friends’ houses.)
  10. It’s not always the dog who farted.   I am not that dumb.   And the dog is not that gassy.    Otherwise, he’d float.
  11. And speaking of dogs or pets in general; they are usually on better terms with your housemate than you are at any given time.  So give Fido some cred; he’s probably more well-liked than you.
  12. And no, I don’t think you can have too many kittens.  And yes, there is a screening process for potential new cat parents.
  13. If you live with a female or, god forbid, many females, it’s is more than imperative to consult the calendar as to monthly schedules.   If you are feeling particularly snarky and want to exercise some of that new-found wit you’re so proud of, make sure she’s not getting ready for her period.   A fate worse than death awaits you’re sarcastic ass if you decided that day 21 is the perfect time to tell her she’s anything less than perfect.

I can go on, but I think I’ve made my point.   It’s a tricky business trying to live with someone and it’s not for everyone.   But with a little time and patience and ample amounts of wine, chocolate and red meat, living together can be quite fun!

Now get out there and cohabitate!


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